All or nothing

All or Nothing

An absolute snake eating its absolute tail.

All or nothing thinking, polarized, thinking, or as it’s commonly called black-and-white thinking, is a cognitive distortion common among humans. This all or nothing mentality or mindset can be a huge obstacle to overcome. However, overcome it, we must if we are to see the multitude of possibilities that genuinely exist in contrast to this, or that, binary thinking.

Cognitive distortions are errors in thinking, and this particular error in thinking, is favored by people we might label as perfectionists. I would argue that what we call perfectionists are simply a combination of cognitive distortions, and “All or Nothing” thinking is just one of many in the equation, but this is just a theory.

Phrases like “I’m not good enough” or “I’ll never get it right” are born from this binary way of thinking. Never is a permanent negative, and absolute. “Never say never” is a phrase that opens the door to a rabbit hole. A place you’ll find yourself spiraling between two extremes often right or wrong, or who is to blame.

It is an all or nothing thinking mindset that says someone else is fully responsible or at fault.

Shifting perspective is the secret door out of all or nothing thinking. Though, if we’re being honest, it’s not such a secret door.

Perfectionism leads to unrealistic expectations. Perfectionism leads to unhealthy expectations. There is a world of difference between pushing yourself, and punishing yourself.

Tips on overcoming all or nothing thinking.

1. Create effort based goals

   Effort based goals are amazing because you’re not competing with skill but with effort. Effort goals are largely under one’s control regardless of the competition. Aim your perfectionism at your effort. Life is about the journey not the destination. Life happens on the road not at the end of it.

2. Reevaluate your expectations

   give yourself a break, and a chance to really excel at something by lowering your expectations a little.

   An example of using both:

   If you want to write a book, but feel like it’s impossible for you to write the book perfectly, then commit to writing a little every day at the same time. commit to showing up and before you know it you’ll have a rough draft to edit.

There are quite often other options to discover, and I believe it’s important to be mindful of that.

Stay Mindful

Gritti

transitions and attachments

Transitions involve detaching.

It’s easy to forget how many things we are attached to. People,stuff, places, positions, and even situations. I’ve moved quite a few times in my life, about 40, and each and every time I had to let things go.

Biggest thing was losing, whichever parent, even in the temporary, and that’s no little thing, but also far from the only thing. It wasn’t like I was going see or talk to them much for 3-9 months every time. Only had house phones in the 80’s so no zoom or FaceTime or nothing.

Annnd it wasn’t dealt with by either parent because they were going the same. Which meant I ended up helping them cope. They’d say “don’t be sad, everything will be ok.” Whatever that’s supposed to mean to an 4 year old. All I knew was that if it was up to me it wouldn’t be like this. They did the best they could and I hold no resentment towards them despite my snark. Much like one of my favorite superheroes I filter my feelings through the prism of humor quite often. I also flipping love chimichangas but I’m getting off track again.

As I write this I’m sitting in the Minneapolis international airport waiting for my flight to California. 20 years ago I wanted nothing more than to move to California and chase my dream to make people happier. The road is long and winding.

I don’t entirely remember my first plane ride. I know that I was four years old and that I flew unaccompanied from Minnesota to Maui. Back then the in-air assistance technicians, or whatever we’re calling them these days, didn’t see them put out very much. After all the I just sat in my chair and colored in my coloring books mostly. those lovely in-air passenger assistance technicians checked on me every once in a while, and are to be commended.

These days it’ll cost you almost as much as another ticket to have someone watch your kid on a plane, but these days I agree they should be paid to watch our kids. Bunch of emotionally entitled contrarians rocking the same thing every new generation does…

We got a new idea that you old folks don’t understand. We understand. We’ve all been the dumb young generation once. But we didn’t have access to the Internet to spread our dumb all over the place. That’s the difference. Granted it’s not their fault they have the Internet we did that too….I’m getting off topic again! Grrr lol ADHD.

Clearly, my passion for that tangent is an example of my attachment to my moral compass. And I know supposedly true enlightenment is about becoming fully detached, but I’m gonna go ahead and stay attached to my moral compass.

AnyWho transitions and attachments. The first time I was accompanied by a guardian on the flight was in middle school, I think. And I flew at least twice a year every year once I started flying. Keeping the math loose and hopefully less boring that’s about a decade, and each and every time I got on the airplane I felt my attachments pulling at me.

Parting ways hurt, every time. However, something else happened, and I’ve come to understand it happens every time we transition from one thing to another. Every time. The something else that happened…

I got used to coping with it. And overtime I have gotten better at coping with detaching. Overcoming loss is about letting go and whether my parents understood the deep philosophy of it or not, they were right about one thing. Everything is going to be OK.

Long Beach here I come.

Stay Mindful

EVERYTHING is BORROWED

You don’t deserve what you want.

Everything in our lives is borrowed, not owned. Humans just made up ownership. Like children saying “I was here first it’s mine!” What does the universe have to say about “firsties”?

The universe has nothing to say because it’s only humans who have created this “ if I go somewhere first and plant my flag, I can stake a claim to it.”

Epictetus says that, at its foundation, that thinking is fallacious. It’s hubris.

Stay Mindful.

Gritti

My first best friend

Sparky.

Oct 14, 2021 (reposted from previous website)

Written By Nitti Gritti

Sparky Gritti

When I was young, and was staying with my Dad, he got me a puppy. A Shetland Sheepdog I named Sparky (so shoot me I was like everyone else who named their dog Sparky). In typical young man fashion, I was far from as responsible as I should’ve been with my new responsibility. My father, being the gentle soul that he is, would quite often compensate for my laziness. As much as Sparky might’ve been my dog he was really our dog. It’s true he slept in my room and on my bed with me every night without fail unless I wasn’t there, then he would join my dad. Some nights he would be torn and simply sleep on the floor between the doorways to our rooms.

He wasn’t particularly well behaved. But he wasn’t obnoxious either. Sure he would bark at the mailman or people walking by, and sure he bark at the lawnmower or passing cars. Really he’d bark at all kinds of stuff for no reason at all. Even though he was kind of a spaz and definitely lived up to his name. Spending most of his time with an ADHD child probably didn’t slow down his RPMs either.

Simply put Sparky’s energy level matched mine. As I write this I find myself getting choked up. I cannot remember a relationship since, animal or human, that was so genuine, honest, and selfless. He didn’t care what we did, he loved us anyway. I could never embarrass him in public. Never disappoint him by not succeeding. Never look weak or cowardly to him for running away. No matter what I did he was there with me.

Dogs are Ride or Die!

Dogs definitely know how to do reciprocity right. Whatever you give to a dog it will give you back emotionally. Dogs don't care about masks, or melanin, or even morality. They care about loyalty and vibes. They genuinely love you for you, as you, without any need for apology. I agree with Ricky Gervais that dogs are better than humans.

I very much look forward reaching a level of security, safety, space, and comfort that will allow me to responsibly find a K9 companion. The idea of building a normal healthy relationship that is simple, built from the ground up, and blissfully free of human made drama sounds amazing to me.

Sparky was like that for me and I’m so so grateful to him for all he brought to my life. I’m also grateful to my father for trusting me and handing a big responsibility, and then helping with it it the whole way. Like I said he still remembers Sparky as my dog, but I remember.

I remember when he passed away. I woke up to my father crying on the floor between our rooms. Sparky had laid down between rooms falling asleep and passed away. In the end he didn’t choose favorites. He always had more than enough love for everyone. Dogs are amazing beings.

I love and miss you Sparky.